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Introduction
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If you are reading this book, then you or someone you love has had a pregnancy loss and may even be pregnant again. It is my hope that you find some kernel of connection and encouragement here. Parents who share your experiences composed all the stories. We aren’t writers or medical professionals by a long shot. Many of the stories are written in a ‘stream of conscious’ fashion: we just sat at our keyboards and typed from our hearts what we remembered about our experiences. Sometimes our voices are desperate, sometimes we are unsure, and sometimes we are just sad. There are similarities and differences in all the tales. We come from different backgrounds yet were all forced to join a club we didn’t want to belong to. And yet in joining the club and taking the steps to heal, we hope others will find the strength to do what we have done.
The book started slowly. I grieved for months after losing my son Solomon, and I found limited help in the “outside world.” For every one person’s kind and comforting words, I was met ten-fold with remarks like, “You can have another,” or “When you get pregnant again you will forget all about this.” And I wondered, how does one forget a life that was inside of you? I would explain over and over again to my husband that I felt people were treating me as if I’d lost my car keys, and I couldn’t understand why so many “outsiders” did not understand my grief.
I started journaling when I came home from the hospital empty-armed. After I had my second loss and D&C, I outlined a book to write. And after I had my two children, I modified my outline drastically and came up with the idea of women sharing their stories, instead of just me sharing mine. This book covers stories from parents who have had first trimester miscarriages, second trimester deliveries, full-term stillbirths and infant death. Each parent authored two stories: the loss and the subsequent pregnancy. Our stories are all different yet our grief is the same.
During my grief, I sought support in so many places: my family, friends, books, the Internet and professionals. I often times felt like a patchwork quilt that was slowly being assembled, never really knowing what the finished product would be, or who I would be once I was “whole” again. I learned quickly that most people offer little if they have not experienced this themselves. But I also learned that sometimes loss is loss, and I did find comfort in unusual places. There were times I just blurted out my sadness to whoever was there as it was impossible to keep my feelings bottled up. I never knew at any given moment when the grief would overcome me. In doing so I made connections with many wonderful women and men, most of whom I would never had known otherwise. I was always astonished to hear another family’s loss story. I had such a naivety that pregnancy loss was an everyday occurrence. And I tried to figure out what kept me marching forward.
At this book’s printing it’s six years since Solomon and his little brother passed through my life. Am I “over it?” Not really. It isn’t something to get over. Have I integrated my experience into my life? I think I have. I was told to expect at least a year of heartache, realizing the milestones my children would not have: holidays like Mother’s Day and “firsts,” like smiles. But there are other milestones.
Many of my friends’ children started Kindergarten and I was saddened Solomon wouldn’t. At my 40th birthday, watching Alison and Adam running around, I realized someone was missing. I know now his loss will be faced repeatedly through the years, not just on his anniversary.
I was asked by an acquaintance recently, how long was it until I felt comfortable to really move forward. For me it was four years since the losses. I remember distinctly it was around the time of my son Adam’s second birthday that I realized I could exhale.
I still miss my children and recognize the importance of their existence. From conception they were gifts I wanted very much. But unbeknownst to me, they would be gifts I would never receive. They cleared the path for Alison and Adam, the gifts that were waiting.
I hope you will read this book and seek comfort in knowing you are not alone. The resources at the end I hope will serve as a guide if you want more information.
Peace on your journey.
Amy L. Abbey
The birth of a child isn`t always a nine month process.©
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